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Books of 2009

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:37:38 GMT

January

1. The Dead Girl's Dance by Rachel Caine
2. Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles
3. Midnight Alley by Rachel Caine

Feburary

4. Feast of Fools by Rachel Caine
5. The House Next Door by Richie Tankersley Cusick
6. Evermore by Alyson Noel

March

7. Lord of Misrule by Rachel Caine
8. Lucky by Alice Sebold

May

9. The Wave by Todd Stasser
10. Fragile Eternity by Melissa Marr

June

11. Carpe Corpus by Rachel Caine
12. The Martian Child by David Gerrold
13. Geektastic: Stories from the Nerd Herd edited by Holly Black and Cecil Castellucci

July

14. Extras by Scott Westerfield
15. Blue Moon by Alyson Noel
16. Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
17. Frostbite by Richelle Mead

August

18. Before I Die by Jenny Downham
19. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niggenegger
20. The Eternal Kiss edited by Trisha Telep

September

21. Freaks and Revelation by Davida Willis Hurwin (PNA)
22. Blood Promise by Richelle Mead (PNA)
23. Succubus Blues by Richelle Mead (PNA)

October

24. Love Sick by____________ (PNA)
25. Succubus on Top by Richelle Mead (PNA)
26. Succubus Dreams by Richelle Mead (PNA)

November

27. Fade Out by Rachel Caine (PNA)

*PNA: pages not added

AudioBooks

a. How to be Popular by Meg Cabot
b. The Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead
c. The Funny Thing Is... by Ellen DeGeneres
d. Dead Until Dark by Charlene Harris
e. The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson

pages so far:6193
hours listened so far: 42.5

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:59:51 GMT

Ugh. Dad's being discouraging. He's pressuring me to get a job. Trust me, getting a job is important to me. I enjoy making money; books don't buy themselves. However, I think it's also important to recover from the shit I just went through. The harassment wouldn't be so bad, except that he totally disregarded what I'm working on. I mentioned how I was going to make it to 10,000 words tonight. 10,000 words is 1) a lot and 2) really good for someone who had a hard time writing. I'm sure he didn't mean to do it on purpose, I just feel like he has unreal expectations of me. Just because I packed up my stuff and left the house doesn't mean what happened hurt less.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:54:45 GMT

Sometimes it's unbelievable that all of this has happened in the course of a week. Had you asked my last Saturday if this is where I thought I would be, I would have said no. But, maybe some of the best things happen quickly like that.

When I left Mom didn't hug me, say she loved me or anything of the sort. "Have a nice life.... Make good choices." It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. And I don't know what to do. I mean, part of me wants to be angry and hurt and totally forget about her and stop calling her my mother. And you know, maybe I'll get to that point. I never expected her to do that. Honestly, in a million years, I never thought she would pull that card. She just has so much hate and anger inside of her, she's like the Oogey Boogey Man.

As Dad so eloquently put it my mom is a "sick fuck." She needs help and she'll never get it because she is so stuck in her own world. She doesn't get what she's doing wrong, what she's doing to those kids. I mean, have you seen the inside of Oogey Boogey Man? That can't be good for your health!

I took the high road, smiled and said "I am." I turned around and I walked out of the house. I got in the truck and told Kelsey and Tyler to get me the fuck out of there. I hate that it ended this way. I'm going to have to work extra hard to keep a relationship with Emily, Caleb and Hanna and know what's going on with Spencer. When he realized I was leaving he started getting whiny and acting up... there's a little passive aggressive side of me that hopes he stays that way for awhile. Spencer never handles me being gone well.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:34:23 GMT

Why do you always need one more box when packing? I'm doing some serious purging of my room. Books, all my CDs, a few sweatshirts (it was painful), some clothes, my old Harry Potter blanket... I haven't looked at my shoes yet but some are going to have to go. Most of them are bad for my hip anyway!

Mom has been eerily pleasant. I don't know if it would be easier if she was being a bitch. Emily is sad, Caleb is indifferent, Hanna hasn't said anything (she'll get her own room again, she probably did a happy dance) and Spencer told me it was a "good day."

I'm excited and terrified out of my mind. In a weird way, I don't feel like I'm making the right choice-- because I feel like there was no right choice. Each had their downfalls and each had their positives. If I stayed here I could finish the semester and get another two months in on my job (I still don't have a job that has lasted a year to put on my resume), but I didn't have the garuntee that Mom wouldn't flip on me again and my main thing was that I never wanted to feel the way I did on Monday ever again. Going to Brentwood means a lot of change; finding a new job, learning to drive, a completely different atmosphere (no little ten year olds running around), it's going to be a lot of independence. That's going to be hard, but like I told my dad, having some of those things forced upon me might end up being good. I certainly wasn't learning to drive out my own volition.

So it goes.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:03:28 GMT

It just keeps getting better. Mom left me a nasty note. I mean, Hitler showed more compassion then that letter did. I'm lazy, have a poor work ethic, believe that that everyone owes me something, no one needs me here, I don't help anyone... etc, so on and so forth. It was a good half page of telling me what a terrible person I was. Then it went on, explaining that she would no longer pay for my bus pass, Internet was cut (uhm, no it's not), I would pay rent, buy my own food and I would be out of the house by June 1st. All actually reasonable conditions, under other circumstances! She ended it by saying she was done and didn't care and had no guilt. "Love, Mom."

Funny way of showing it.

My first reaction was.... "now I have to go ace a Astronomy test?" (Which, btw, I bombed like we bombed the moon.) Part of me hurts. Aches. The part that believes those things. Then there's the part that is angry. Then there's the part that is sad, sad that someone could hold so much hate inside of them. It's no wonder she has to go to bed so early, she must be exhausted to be that hateful.

So, I'm really done. Done-r than your first attempt at a Thanksgiving turkey. I picked up my drop form and 99.98% I'll be dropping my classes (except history since it's online) and I'll be going up to Brentwood by Nov. 1. I don't want to drop my classes, it will put me behind, but I can't put up with this till December. The emotional toll is too much for me. When I came home from school Mom was cordial as all hell. It's stuff like that that makes me want to change my mind, it makes me feel like it's all better and it won't happen again. I used to wonder why people stay in abusive relationships, not so much anymore.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 17:13:03 GMT

In the media you see lots of different types of families. A family of two like The Gilmore Girls, mother and daughter against the world and it works for them, they're happy and the closest of friends. A family like The Brady Bunch or the Pitt-Jolie family, large and extended and it works for them. You see dysfunctional families that even at the end of the day, they still love each other. They're still a family.

My family is dysfunctional, but at the end of the day we're just living under the same roof because it's convenient. It's not a family unit, by name, by blood, perhaps. But, it's not the connotation of the word. And I can't stand that. Everyone wants to be love and be loved. It's in our psychology, our genetic make-up. We want to find people that care about us, that we can depend on--and I don't have that here. I have Spencer and Emily and Hanna and Caleb, I know that it's a mutual relationship between all of us. I mean, Hanna and I might have our differences but at the end of the day it doesn't matter.

Mom flipped out on Hanna because she called Caleb a 'wimpy jerk'. Mom yelled at Hanna, threw her stuff out the window, slapped her. I intervened, we all know Tim isn't going to. Mom told me if I didn't like how she was raising her kids, then I could leave. I told her I was scared for them, I told her that they were going to hate her when they grew up. She scoffed and repeated that I could leave.

And here's the thing, part of me wants to. I know my Brentwood family would be here in a heartbeat to come get me and the biggest conundrum would be how to get all my books to fit in the car. I'm almost to the point where I could easily drop my classes and go now. Get a full time job till classes start at DVC in January. I know there needs to come a point when I have to worry about myself first and not about everyone else. It's just hard. These kids don't have the other family, the one that keeps them sane.

If it weren't for my Brentwood family and my dad, I don't know where I'd be right now. I don't know who I would be right now. They're the ones that made sure I questioned what Mom was doing, what Mom was teaching me, telling me, trying to ingrain in me. These kids don't have that and that scares me to pieces. I don't want to lose them. I've lost Mom and the sad thing is I don't particularly care. I never spend holidays here, I don't plan to in the future.

I'll be moving in December. I'll be in Brentwood, with a family that watches TV together not because it's the only TV in the house, but because they enjoy each other's company. With a family, that talks during dinner time, allows for each individual to have their own individual outlook on life and politics and morals. Who support each other, who talk to each other. I'll be with a family and not just people who live together because of a few laws and convenience. It'll be hard, I'll hate leaving behind the kids. If I had it my way, I'd take them with me. In a heartbeat, I would deal with the problems that would cause. But I can't because they're minors and because Mom has guardianship over Spencer.

You know, I used to think I needed to leave the house because I couldn't fix these problems, because I didn't want my life to be like a Lifetime movie, but I'm realizing that life isn't as clean cut as a Lifetime movie. Life is messy and you don't get a happily ever after, you do the best you can and you have to settle for that sometimes.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:52:17 GMT

I feel like I have to preface every entry her with "I'm alive!" This blog needs an asterisk, re: for the most part, not updating is a good thing. Either my life is good or it's plateaued.

My anxiety is at an all time high. And for once, I can't really control it. Generally my anxiety is generated from school or family and those are all things I can fix. But, not this time.

I love California, I really truly do. I just can't handle the earthquakes. My pulse races, my fingers shake, my senses' sensitivity go through the roof. Now, we have had an earthquake in a few weeks, we had a few tiny ones awhile ago but that was it. But with all the really big quakes on the other side of the ocean and taking astronomy and learning about plate tectonics... my anxiety is higher than it has ever been. I'm hardly sleeping, I have an incessant need to eat, I can't focus, I get cramps and nasuea, I've been dizzy. I can deal with most of it, but it's the sleeping that has gotten to me.

I hate having to rely on meds to fall asleep. I used some Tylennol PM all week in order to fall asleep and at least stay asleep for a few hours because the week before that I would fall asleep and then wake up after a few minutes. Not cool. Now, I'm falling asleep and staying asleep for a few hours, which is nice. As long as I wake up after three or four I'm good. For some reason it's the 12am-2am that kills me. Friday night/Saturday morning I woke up at 1:30 and I was up till three. Not cool. Last night I was up till three. When I woke up at 10:30 I was tired in that really painful kind of way. I spent another hour in bed once someone was home to watch Spencer and I felt marginally better.

I don't know what to do. I thought my sleep anxiety was getting better, but after last night I'm not so sure. I know worrying over earthquakes isn't going to help me, it's not like school; there's nothing I can do about it.

On the plus side, I'm getting a great story out of this! I'll post the first chapter once I get it finished.

lost

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:33:39 GMT

Something needs to be done about current affair with loss. Not grief and loss, but... misplacement? In the past 24 hours I have had to search for my camera charger, my extra camera battery, my hand sanitizer (that I keep in my backpack) and my new Peets gift card. 24 hours.

I knew I had misplaced my charger and battery some time ago, but since I hadn't needed to use my camera I didn't worry about it. Jessa and I are going shoot in SLO on Saturday so I really needed it. I tore my room apart. Twice over the weekend and then last night. I found the battery (it had been shoved under my bed) but not the charger... in mentioning it to Dad he casually mentioned that I had left it in my room in Denver. Of course Dad has moved in the past month so that charger could be in any of the numerous boxes. Better yet, it could be in storage. I'm not terribly worried because I can use Mom's charger. It's just nice to know that it's not at some rest stop between Denver and here.

My hand santizer simply fell out of my backpack and it was by my chair at home.

My Peets' card.... oh my Peets' card. I didn't put it in my wallet because I knew I wouldn't be using it right away since Peets' is in SLO. I didn't want it to just take up space. I just spent the last 30 minutes tearing up my room trying to find it. I dug through my trash! Turns out I had tucked it under the envelope flap of the thank you card I wrote for the person who got it for me. I also looked under this envelope five minutes before finding the card.

I think I'm losing things because I'm pretty much on the go from 7 am to 7 pm depending on the day. Mondays and Tuesdays I only have a thirty minute lunch. And that's if I get a ride to the bus stop. I don't like being in a frenzy and it's obviously not very good for me. Something needs to be done. I can't make my lunch longer. I think I just need to do a super thorough cleaning of my room. I need to do a little more organization, maybe move some things around.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:39:13 GMT

I'm alive. Which is good. Honestly, for me, not updating is a good thing. It means life has platued to the point where the ups and downs aren't worth blogging about. Loss camera case (with the battery and charger in it) is seriously my biggest worry right now.... and the tarantula sized spider I just killed on my wall, omg, that thing was heading towards the Chamber of Secrets it was crazy... back to the point, yeah, lost camera supplies is worrisome because the last time I saw them was on vacation. Of course, it's a lot cheaper to replace a charger than it is the camera so no biggie for right now.

History is still kicking my ass, though hopefully I'll catch up soon. Astronomy; I'm adjusting. I have a B, so if I can just keep that, I'll be fine. Math is still hard but I'll get that B (because I have to). ASL; I've got my language learning confidence back so that's good.

I had my birthday yesterday. It went fine. I mean, it was just twenty. Of course, this means I've left my teenagedom behind (please ignore the purchase of one Scooby Doo The Mystery Begins DVD). That's a scary idea. For how much I like to plan things out, I really only like to plan a few weeks ahead and I'm starting to get to the point of where I can't do that anymore. I mean, I have to apply to college soon. It was no big deal when I knew I wouldn't get when I was in high school (how terrible is that?) but now it's serious. I'm going to go to a four-year, declare a major, graduate, (grad school?) and then have a life outside of academia. I haven't had one of those since I was two. By the time I'm a college graduate I'll have accumulated 20 some odd years of academic life. I mean, pre-school is freaking rigorous so that totally gets added to the final amount. It's just terrifying. Adult life seem so monotonous. My life right now is pretty cut and paste. Wake up, work, school, home, eat, homework, sleep, rinse and repeat until insane. ... Forty years of monotony? I guess what I'm getting to is... what's the point of it all? If you don't leave your mark on the world, make some contribution, do something important... what's the point of it all?

And I thought I was just going to tell you guys I was alive.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 05:42:34 GMT

I thought I'd fulfill the whole 'multiple topics' thing from my last post. I got upset and sidetracked. Thanks math.

Let's see... I'm getting a new phone for my birthday. I love my enV. It's the perfect shape for my hands and I love, however, the keys are getting glitchy and it's time to move on. I'll be getting the Samsung Rogue, which is a touch screen slide qwerty keyboard thing of a phone. I'm excited. I do have to start paying my dad 35 dollars a month, but that's a lot better than paying the 70 or so dollars my own bill would require (that's what he originally wanted me to do, I meant to blog and bitch and gripe about it but I was kinda busy).

More stuff is coming up about Spencer's expedition. Apparently the people who found them in their house called the police and the police KNEW who he was. They knew he was autistic and that he tended to wander off and go in to people's houses. The police told them to just till him to go home. Seriously. This is what we like to call a fail. I mean, what police station in their right mind thinks it's okay to just send autistic kid out like that? I wanna go smack them in the face. Then, of course, there's the fact that this isn't the first time he's done this apparently! Yeah, he has wandered off before, but years ago and he was never (well, to our knowledge) going in to people's houses! So, this is all recent! Oy vey. Spencer, our little autistic felon.

Also related to this ordeal, apparently Mom doesn't remember me waking her up. And therefore I didn't wake her up. She has never actually talked to me about this. My mom kind of fails at the whole communication thing. She has the skills of a two-year-old. For instance, I think we are having our towels taken away from us in the bathroom (the kids throw the towels everywhere and that's something Mom would do in order to "teach" us to pick up the bathroom, when we didn't wash the cutting board off she took that away for a few months) anyway, I put some towels away earlier because I enjoy wiping my hands off after I wash them. I'm weird, I know. Well, I go in there later and they're gone. Nowhere to be seen. A huge stack of hand towels are no longer on the shelf.

My mother cracks me up.