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Nano is going well. Another 1500 and I'll hit 30,000. I'm pleasantly surprised by myself. I actually like what I'm writing, although it's purposefully a little wordy. Swanny would be proud of me; I hardly ever use 'it.' The rest of the week is filled with the midnight show of New Moon, a Christmas ornament class on Saturday and Cookie Sunday. Where Kelsey, Monet (Kelsey's friend) and I will make boatloads of cookies and brownies, followed by a long sugar coma lasting till Thanksgiving dinner. Picked up job applications on Saturday and should fill them out today, I'm such a loser that I need to call my old work and see what I'm supposed to write down for employer. Hi, my name is Samantha and I've been a loser for twenty years. (Jobs are: Children's Place, Gymboree, Barnes & Noble, Payless and Chico's.)
Enjoying Brentwood though getting restless and feeling a little to dependent and lazy, a combo I really don't like. Have been driving Mor Mor's truck. Yeah, being able to see more is nice but I really don't like driving such a big car. Because I'm so short I have a hard enough time reaching the pedals, I don't need to work extra hard to deal with the hugeness of the car. Dealing though! I've even gone on main roads, with actual stop lights and everything!
Mom sent me some mail the other day and included a note in the package. I wasn't able to read it, I was too scared. I had Kelsey read it and it was no big deal, just telling me to go and change my address. It still hurts to think about everything. I was watching True Life: I Clash with my Parents and I got anxiety from it. Mom's birthday is coming up, I kind of think I should be the bigger person and send her a card... but Hallmark doesn't make cards for this situation. I would also feel obligated to write something in it... and I really don't have anything pleasant or birthday appropriate to tell her.
It's nice to be a family atmosphere, though. Mor Mor might be crazy, but there's levels of craziness and I can deal with this one. It's not emotionally abusive bull shit crazy... it's getting old crazy. I'm okay with that.
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| Ugh. Dad's being discouraging. He's pressuring me to get a job. Trust me, getting a job is important to me. I enjoy making money; books don't buy themselves. However, I think it's also important to recover from the shit I just went through. The harassment wouldn't be so bad, except that he totally disregarded what I'm working on. I mentioned how I was going to make it to 10,000 words tonight. 10,000 words is 1) a lot and 2) really good for someone who had a hard time writing. I'm sure he didn't mean to do it on purpose, I just feel like he has unreal expectations of me. Just because I packed up my stuff and left the house doesn't mean what happened hurt less. | | |
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Sometimes it's unbelievable that all of this has happened in the course of a week. Had you asked my last Saturday if this is where I thought I would be, I would have said no. But, maybe some of the best things happen quickly like that.
When I left Mom didn't hug me, say she loved me or anything of the sort. "Have a nice life.... Make good choices." It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. And I don't know what to do. I mean, part of me wants to be angry and hurt and totally forget about her and stop calling her my mother. And you know, maybe I'll get to that point. I never expected her to do that. Honestly, in a million years, I never thought she would pull that card. She just has so much hate and anger inside of her, she's like the Oogey Boogey Man.
As Dad so eloquently put it my mom is a "sick fuck." She needs help and she'll never get it because she is so stuck in her own world. She doesn't get what she's doing wrong, what she's doing to those kids. I mean, have you seen the inside of Oogey Boogey Man? That can't be good for your health!
I took the high road, smiled and said "I am." I turned around and I walked out of the house. I got in the truck and told Kelsey and Tyler to get me the fuck out of there. I hate that it ended this way. I'm going to have to work extra hard to keep a relationship with Emily, Caleb and Hanna and know what's going on with Spencer. When he realized I was leaving he started getting whiny and acting up... there's a little passive aggressive side of me that hopes he stays that way for awhile. Spencer never handles me being gone well.
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Why do you always need one more box when packing? I'm doing some serious purging of my room. Books, all my CDs, a few sweatshirts (it was painful), some clothes, my old Harry Potter blanket... I haven't looked at my shoes yet but some are going to have to go. Most of them are bad for my hip anyway!
Mom has been eerily pleasant. I don't know if it would be easier if she was being a bitch. Emily is sad, Caleb is indifferent, Hanna hasn't said anything (she'll get her own room again, she probably did a happy dance) and Spencer told me it was a "good day."
I'm excited and terrified out of my mind. In a weird way, I don't feel like I'm making the right choice-- because I feel like there was no right choice. Each had their downfalls and each had their positives. If I stayed here I could finish the semester and get another two months in on my job (I still don't have a job that has lasted a year to put on my resume), but I didn't have the garuntee that Mom wouldn't flip on me again and my main thing was that I never wanted to feel the way I did on Monday ever again. Going to Brentwood means a lot of change; finding a new job, learning to drive, a completely different atmosphere (no little ten year olds running around), it's going to be a lot of independence. That's going to be hard, but like I told my dad, having some of those things forced upon me might end up being good. I certainly wasn't learning to drive out my own volition.
So it goes. | | |
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